Reaching Wesly with a Pendulum

One of the most difficult things about losing Wesly is just not being able to talk with him.  I was one of those mom's that just loved having Wes around, just chatting with him.  We could joke and laugh over silly stuff.  

So, I had a medium reading with Wesly, which was amazing  and helped ease the heavy load of guilt I have. Yes, I still have some, I always will, but it is tolerable now.  The reading helped open up the spirit world to me.

But I still had so many unanswered questions... about where he was... was he safe... was he in pain when he died... what was he doing now... etc. etc.  you know what I mean.  

I then heard about psychic ability at all but was willing to try anything to reach Wesly. But if there was a chance I could reach Wesly, I needed to try.

So, first I bought an inexpensive pendulum on amazon for less than $10. They suggest you go and pick out one, but I live in the boonies of Vermont, there is no store around like that.  Then I bought a spray bottle of sage (I don't like lighting sage so I bought the spray instead).  I also have a simple tea light candle and candle holder.  

I light the tea light candle...and hold the pendulum, between my thumb and index finger, over the candle and ask it to cleanse itself (the pendulum will go around counter clockwise usually for that)

I say "I light this candle
For my precious son Wesly.
Whom I love with all of my heart,
Forever and unconditionally.

I will do my best to honor your memory Wesly,
By remembering the love and joy you gave us.

For those who knew and love Wesly, please help us Lord,  cope with the pain of losing him and find peace within ourselves.."

Before beginning a pendulum session I make sure to protect and ground myself.  I close my eyes and picture roots growing from the bottom of the earth deep into the ground and picture my arms as branching, swaying in the wind.  I also make sure my legs aren't crossed.

I say "I call my spirit guides, angels, divine source. Please remove and cleanse all negative energy from the pendulum that I hold and let it only tell the accurate truth as all evil is removed from the pendulum, myself and the space around me. Please fill any voids with love, happiness and peace.

Dear archangel Michel, I ask that you surround me with your protective light and you ensure that I connect and communicate with only those who are in the light and only those who have my highest interest at heat. I ask in the name of the lord, our divine source and in his love."  

I use a simple yes/no chart (I asked it the first few times to show me yes and no just to make sure like did I buy lettuce at the store today, etc.) . One of my first questions I ask is "May I ask you questions pendulum? " 

Ask the pendulum how accurate is it right now?  Here is the pendulum chart to show that.  If it's less than 100%, I wipe down the pendulum with the sage spray and paper towel.  

I talk to Wesly most nights.  I ask him yes/no questions like where he is, what he is doing, just trying to understand the world he is in.  I've learned there are some questions I shouldn't ask, such as guessing numbers (I thought that would be a great way to test it out, but I'm not supposed to do that).  I don't think it can be used for the future either, betting, or ask through a third person.    There is a white box in his room I try and look at when I ask questions, to help keep my mind more neutral. Unfortunately, the pendulum doesn't answer "can't answer", like when I asked it to tell me the hidden number in my hand, it just seems to make up their own incorrect answer instead, which is frustrating at times.

The big question is does it work.  I know one time I lost my cell phone and by asking yes/no questions, I found out where it was.  I also asked my mom personal questions about a loved one who passed away, that only she knew, and that spirit  came through to me and told me.  Is it 100% accurate?  Probably not, but partially because I am still learning how to ask the questions,  I've only been trying a few months.   You can't say things like "did you like blue or green" , they have to be clear questions yes/no  and that is a process to learn.  

I realize it could be my subconscious making the pendulum say yes/no but there is also a  chance it is my higher self communicating with Wesly.   If there is even a .01% chance I can communicate with Wesly, I will.  

I know this may not be for everyone, and I will be even judged for believing this way.  I realize this is not normal, and some may even consider me a little out there, but, it has helped me tremendously by doing this.  I still deeply miss his voice, his hugs, his physical body being here with us, but I  am so grateful for this gift of being able to communicate with him.   I've never had any communication with a negative spirit, but I think Wesly is protecting me.  I asked Wesly if most mothers are able to communicate with their child that has passed, the pendulum said yes.  I then asked if all people can communicate with other spirits in their family that have passed away, he said no.  

This experience, was life changing for me.  It's opened up something within me that I never knew existed.  I know I am going out on a limb here to even mention this experience, but if I can help even one mom reach their child, it's worth it to me.  So please, let me know.

"Committing" Suicide

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There are just terms about suicide that just stab and makes me grimmace each time I hear it;   small stabs, but stabs none the less.  "Committing" Suicide is one of them.  Many years ago,  suicide was considered a crime, thus the term committing suicide was used. It is no longer a crime, yet the term "committing suicide" is still often used.  

"Killed themselves", "shot themselves", "hung themselves" are  still hard for me to hear too. 

When people ask me if I have children, it's a difficult question to answer.  How much do I want to say? Do I know them well enough to tell them everything? Do I want to open myself up to that?  I try and say "My only child Wesly passed away in October 2017".  If they ask further, I try to say "he suffered from depression and took his own life:.  Both are still hard to say, tears still come to my eyes when I say it, even to strangers, even now.  So, I try not to give details, unless asked.

Wesly did not die from suicide, he died from depression.  Suicide was just the means.

 

Just So Tired

I'm just so tired.. 8 months later, still so tired.. every few hours I wake up at night.. most nights just 5-6 hours.  I used to take over the counter sleeping pills (for months after Wesly died), but long term I know is not good for me and makes me very groggy...   overall, makes it hard to focus, concentrate and remember things.

So, I nap when I can... but, it is a struggle... every single day...

It's a physical tiredness, but an extreme mental tiredness as well.  The strain of thinking of Wesly hundreds of times every day is exhausting.  The strain of wearing this mask to show others you are okay.  People want to know how you are, because they care, but they can't really help you. No one really can, except yourself.  But friends/family can love you and support you and give you a hug when you need it. 

I hope at some point, it will get better... I just don't know when...

 

How Long Does This Pain Last

I remember after the first month, when I started with TalkSpace, and when the pain was so excruciating,  my therapist said for most people, the most severe  pain was the first 3 months, but the grieving process is about a year.  Everyone has a different journey, a different experience, this is just an average.  

When I first heard that, I felt there was hope in 3 months then hope in a year that I could be normal again.  I realize now, 7 months into this journey, that I have a new normal now.  Not one I wanted, not one I chose, but one I must endure and one I must learn to cope with.  

I realize the pain really doesn't go away, your mind and body just learns to cope with it.  The pain comes and goes, like waves in an ocean, some times without even a reason.  We just learn to ride the waves.  The grief is draining, exhausting, it affects everything in our life.   Sleep is still difficult, most nights is only 5-6 hours of sleep, I end up crashing once a week just to rest.  

I believe the grief stays with us, we just learn how to live with it.   The side affects of the grief - lack of sleep, forgetfulness, confusion, lack of ability to handle stressful situations - hopefully will get better with time.  I'm almost 8 months into it, and still struggle with all of those symptoms.  I still can't watch a horror movie, a graphic movie.  

I know other people, that don't understand what it's like to grieve a child, think we can just "get over it".  Sorry, it doesn't happen that way.  Our child will always be with us and will always be on our mind.  Our life is forever altered  and that change doesn't have a timeline, everyone is different.  I know when people say that, I do get irritated about it, but honestly, they just don't know any better.  

Counting Days, Weeks, Months, Years...

My life is split from life before Wesly's death and life after Wesly's death.  In the first few weeks, I counted the hours, then days, my husband still counts the days.  I then counted it by each week, every Friday for the first few months I would take a moment at the time of his death, to say a prayer for him.  Being at work, it sometimes was hard to do that though. 

After about 10-12 weeks of doing that, I started to acknowledge by the month instead.  It's not the day of the week he died usually, but easier to say it's been 3 months, 4 months... now it's been 7 months for me.    Not yet at the year mark, but that will be another transition process as well.  It takes time, for all of us.

Even though I acknowledge his death by the month, I honor Wesly's life almost daily with my prayers to him and God.    

The New Norm

I've learned that my life goes on... it isn't as it was... or should be... but it is the "new norm". I don't prefer it, I don't want it... I would do anything to go back but I can't.  So, I just learn to live in this new norm.  It's tolerable, just so empty without you Wes <3  

Remembering the Second Week - Just Be

I found this email I had sent to another mom that had lost her daughter to suicide a few years earlier and  was kind enough to connect with me.. I still remember that horrific pain... how truly raw it was. 

"The past 2 weeks feel like an eternity, yet just yesterday... I can't explain... going to work yesterday was so hard, every hour I looked up at the time... it was 2 weeks yesterday, and I sat outside the office for a minute at 9:20, when he died 2 weeks ago... and prayed... and cried again..  he was our only child.. the love of our lives... he was our world... he just couldn't stand the pain from his breakups and it caused a breakdown.. we had started seeing a doctor, and counselor... and was trying to watch and be with him 24/7... but he found a way.. I don't blame him, I know he was in such pain... our love just wasn't enough to save him.. I replay in my mind, if I could have done things different, could I have saved him. 

The first week, I was just in shock, going thru the motions to plan our son's funeral.. so many people cared, I was just numb.. this week, I'm off the Larazapan  they gave me... and the pain this week  at times cut thru my body, gut wrenching, like nothing I've ever experienced... at times, I prayed God would just let me go in my sleep, so I didn't have to feel anymore.. my mind isn't thinking clearly, can't remember things... feeling bitter...why... my husband tried to stop him, Wesly shot himself in front of him... his trauma is even worse than mine, I can't even imagine...

I am a front desk manager, and had to get back... no I'm not ready, but I have responsibilities... I have  to wear a mask, to show others I'm fine.. a desk clerk can't be sad...it's exhausting to wear a mask...every time I thought about him on the first day, that he is no longer here, this pit in my stomach appeared and I was so nauseous I thought I would pass out.. but I made it thru... today, it was a little easier, watched the clock, not as much, but made it thru... my goal the 2nd day was just to be... I know that sounds odd, but that is what I told myself..

Tonight, for the first time, when I came home, my husband I talked about Wesly, and I felt some peace and joy in remembering him.  It didn't last long, but gave some relief from the pain for a short time.  Maybe there is hope...  that the pain can turn to remembrance, to the beautiful young man we love so..."

Dreams

Has your child come through to you in a dream? It's different than a regular dream, it's short, but wakes you right out of a sound sleep.  It feels pure, of light.  Wesly came through and let me hug him and there was a gold light around us hugging, it felt so wonderful.  He also was in a school setting and  I saw him scurring down the hall, others couldn't see him, but they were able to bump into him and feel him, which surprised him.  

If your child wasn't able to say goodbye to you, they often will try and reach you in a dream.  But you need to be able to sleep for that to happen, which is hard to do, especially in the first few months.

Signs of Your Child

With Wesly, I see a lot of butterflies.  The day of his funeral there were some outside of the entrance.  Just the week after he died, they were around the window next to me.  Last week, we saw this beautiful purple butterfly around us outside for over a week.  

Also the week he died, there were 20-30 birds hanging around his car.

Look for feathers, coins on the ground, things being moved.  

When it feels like it is something more than usual, it usually is.  Smile and say thank you, it's a sign of love from your child. 

I Don’t Know Why

The firsts few weeks, I had bought a book "My Son... My Son..."  by Iris  Bolton .  In the front of the book has this poem "I Don't Know Why".  I had to literately when I got up in the morning read the verses outloud to myself.  At a time when I just didn't want to go on, I had to tell myself it was my choice to go on living.  
 

I Did the Best I Could With What I Knew

The Should ofs and guilt the first few months was so heavy in my heart, consuming my every waking hour...  If I had just done things differently, made him go to the hospital... tried more to make him realize how important he was in our lives... told him I love him one more time... 

Then I read this quote, "I did the best I could with what I knew".  What a powerful message.  It really  helped me release some of this heavy suffocating guilt.. I realize at that time, my husband and I were trying our best to help Wesly.  We honestly thought he was doing better, not realizing that sometimes people that are suicidal have made their choice, and seem better to others.  If I could go back in time, yes I would have done things so differently.  

7 months later, I still have the should ofs, but I try to limit the amount of time to dwell on it.  I realize that blaming myself over and over for the same thing just continues to hurt me and doesn't ever solve anything.  So, I try and let it pass over, like a dark cloud.