Please Share Your Story

Please help others who are struggling with the loss of their child.   Let others know what has helped you, what has made a difference in your life.  I will try to post  within 48 hours. Thank you!

Heartfelt Stories Others Have Shared...

My son hung himself , I cannot understand why , as he was an international hairdresser, he just had his own brand hairdressing products out, he had 3,000 friends on Facebook . He struggled during the last lock down , he lived in Newcastle and I live in Kent . So I couldn’t go and see him . But I sent him money and sent him mental health items as he had been struggling for years . We have had some many tributes, and even in hairdressers mags . We gave him the best funeral ever considering we are in this terrible world. So now everything has stop , I’m in bits I have cried every day since he has died , my brain is working overtime . Why , if , but . Am a terrible mum , I should of done more . I can’t go out as I get panic attacks, I can’t talk to people on the phone , it’s been 3 months and every day is getting harder . I have tried so many therapy groups . But there a waiting list . I just don’t know what to do anymore .
-Sandra, January 31, 2021

“It's been a year and 2 months since my only son Lee took his life. April 6th 2020
Too others he was a happy popular young man. 2 weeks before his 37th birthday he hung himself. I get so numb to grief that I put on this face and people say omg your so strong your so amazing, I tell them I function. He will always be my world and I know I did all i could.being his mum he knew I would always pick up the pieces as he had tried it a few times before..now I'm totally lost, empty and feel so lonely even though I'm surrounded by friends. I know he loved me and didn't want to hurt me but the demons got too strong....my boy I'm broken
Without you,.
Forever in my heart Mum “
-Maria, June 202`

‘When my first born hung himself I literally wanted to die. The only reason I fought the urge to give up was my younger son, Gily. Now Gily is dead too. Both my sons suffered from severe mental ailment. More often than not, many couldn't be helped with drugs, therapy and other methods. Mental ailment is rooted in the genetic make up. My family and my ex husband family had long history of deep emotional disorder.
Unless the genes that carry the sickness could be isolated, we will keep loosing our loved ones to that monstrous disease. It is too late for my sons, but I believe that if we keep advocating for scientific research, we will give hope for the mentally sick.’
-Rina, June 2021

‘It's been 4 years since I lost my son Jordan to suicide what can I say time doesn't heal for me I just got really good at taking my feelings! I don't want to talk about that the reason I'm sharing is we went to the bridge where it happened I find it comforting there & go often to feel close to him & the other day I was looking out over the creek we've had alot of rain so it was full waterfalls everywhere just peaceful & I looked down & right on the edge where he must have been standing there was a penny! It was surrounded by some crystals I had left there a year ago (small chips of stones) I haven't had hope in a very long time & sadness is just the new theme for me but this penny just brought it smile to my face! I love you Jordan always & forever kiddo’
-Stephanie, August 2019

‘I don’t know why today I feel like telling Mac’s story, but I do. Mac, our only child and son, died October 12, 2014. It will be 5 yrs very soon. Mac struggled with anxiety and bouts of depression and self-depreciation. In high school, he was chubby and consumed with video games. But he had good friends, did well in school and had more happy than depressed times. We took him to see a counselor because we were concerned about his moods. Everything was fine, a “normal” teenage boy. But I always was worried he would hurt himself for some reason. One time I noticed he had superficial cut marks on his wrist and found a box cutter in his car. I threw it out. He always wanted to belong and at his all boys high school the competition was great. Mac was no athlete altho he played hockey for many years. Never aggressive enough to be really good and he never bonded with his team in high school. I worried about that a lot. By the time he graduated from high school, he liked drinking. Too much. A trip to Ireland as his graduation present exacerbated his drinking. Being 18 yrs old, he went out every night in Ireland and was always hung over the next day. In his first year of college, he joined a fraternity that seemed (in hindsight) reveled in drinking. He had an acute depressive incident that prompted us to get him a new psychiatrist and counselor that first year. She told us he was serious about Suicide and had a plan. Medication, a horrible Christmas break at home and a DUI in spring. The DUI resulted in his fraternity asking for his resignation. Devastating for him and me. So he came home still seeing the counselor and not driving. He worked and was accepted into a local very good liberal arts college (he was a good student). Here comes the redux part..at the new college he joined a fraternity as a pledge and in week 2 he wrecked his car as a result of drinking. Why did I/we let him drive, join a fraternity? I don’t know but I feel so responsible for the anguish it caused him. If only I/we had said no, but I (me) wanted him to fit in, be liked, have friends, etc etc. Fast forward, he does fairly well his first year. Takes up body building and weight lifting so the drinking stops. He meets a girl and I am so happy. He goes with her to her family’s Christmas in NC and gets drunk, fights with the girlfriend, takes a gun from the home and calls his friends saying he is going to shoot himself. He doesn’t but returns to the house where the police take him away to a psych hospital. My husband flies there gets him released, he is so very sorry, etc etc. His counselor says he should be hospitalized. We don’t follow that advice. I want him to return to school, he will get better I rationalize. He returns to college and goes on to months of workouts, no alcohol and still with the girlfriend. I am helping him with school papers and study. He wins 3rd place in a big body building contest and life seems better. He starts his 3rd year of college in September 2014 and seems ok. We know he is drinking, but not like before. What I/we did not know was the drugs he was taking for body building. Mac never seemed risk averse to alcohol, drugs- almost like it was some fearless thing he could do. On the night of his death, we found out that he had been taking a very dangerous internet-available drug called D-NP. To lose weight quickly. He was depressed and angry that day, maybe he was feeling ill, maybe something else. But he took an overdose of this drug and became ill, asking us to call 911. I didn’t even go to the hospital with him, his dad did. I thought he was drunk honestly. He told his dad he didn’t want to die, last words he said. My husband called and said come to the hospital right away so I drove like a bat out of hell to get there. But he was unconscious. I was in The room when he went into asystole. The ED team worked on him for over an hour. They called Poison Control for how to counteract the D-NP, but no reversal agent in Existence. He died at 9:something. I don’t really know why I am writing all this. Except to say that I am forever changed, eternally guilty and so sorry I/we couldn’t/didn’t help him. So many clues. So much denial in my part. So much wanting him to be something I wanted him to be. I am not trying to ask for sympathy. More like catharsis for me. If I confess my sins publicly maybe there is a God who will let me see him again, hug him again, tell him how sorry I am that I let him down, expected too much. All my hopes and dreams died with him. I am existing, but honestly if I knew I could hold him again, I would die happily right now. Thanks for listening to this awful story. Funny thing is I can’t remember the good times or when he was a sweet baby and little boy. Only the horror remains.’
-Meri, June 2019

“When the pain paralyzed me, I myself wanted to be dead. The darkness engulfed my soul into an emotional jail with no way out. That luxury was not at my disposal. I had a son who also suffered mental disability. Another option, staying all day in bad was even worth than death. I had to come up with a quick solution. A memorial garden in Yarny's name was one of the answers to engage my mind with. The mowers started trimming my lilies. 

I started collecting rocks to border the plants. every rock I spotted whether at a bottom of a creek or in a construction site found its way to my garden. My heart was heavy like the rock itself, but I had a goal and it dulled off some of the throbbing edge. I also cleared all the pebbles in front of the townhouse, so it kept be occupied.
I rolled a heavy one up the creek next to my residence, the route was steep and bumpy. As I approached the top, I realized that there was no way I could roll the boulder to the flat surface. I moved to the side and let the massive stone slide all the way down without getting hurt. I rolled the thing all around the long way and the treasure is still decorating Yarny's garden.

The summer of 2002 became my rocks summer. I sniffed, dug, craved and breathed stones. I preferred to venture out in the dark so people wouldn't ask me what I was digging for, or look at me as if I had just landed from Mars.

One Friday evening I spotted a nice little creek by an apartment complex, I parked by the edge of parking lot and went for my expedition. I managed to gather quite a collection. the air was warm and by the time I loaded my collection I was soaking wet. A police car pulled next to me. I was frozen with fear. The cop said hi, I said hi. "It looks like you were working out", he said. "I picked up some rocks", I said.

"You collect rocks?" "For my garden", I answered. He pulled away, "don't work too hard". I let a sigh of relief and laughed all the way home.
I had to replace the shocks of my car the following fall. It took 3 years to complete the project to my satisfaction.

Those boulders were one of my life savers, without them I couldn't make it through the most traumatic summer of my entire life.”
-Rina, May 2019

“My son, Mike, had suffered with OCD since he was 5. In spite of it, he graduated from high school and college with a degree in Computer Science. The voices in his head and erratic thoughts worsened in college, but he persevered. After college, his paranoia wouldn't allow him to stay at a job. He won accolades from his employers, nevertheless. I had a spinal injury after he graduated, and he came home to help me. As time went on, the voices and paranoia and hallucinations got more frequent and more violent. He mentioned suicide often. The night he died, he had run out of a main med which helped with the symptoms. As he helped me to bed, he grew increasingly violent and upset. I stayed calm, even as damaged furniture and literally kicked the walls. He asked me, "What do you think, Dad? A murder-suicide tonight?" I told him to calm down, I wasn't going anywhere, and neither was he. After he got me in bed, he erupted. I told him to quit "tearing the house and my things up." I told him to quit talking about suicide, that it upset me. He said, "All right, I will!" He went into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Almost immediately, I heard a bang. I hoped he'd merely destroyed something in his room. I called his name, but it was silent. I smelled the gunpowder as I opened his door. He lay on the floor, looking very peaceful. I fell from my wheelchair, and felt his pulse points. Nothing. Then, I saw his late mother's .38 revolver, still in his right hand. I called my sister and told her to call 911. As the investigator and coroner left Mike's bedroom, they looked at his medicine bottles and nodded to each other and said, "Uh-huh." I realized that Mike's meds were potent, and evidently the men had seen similar meds at other suicide sites. That was the night of March 23, 2018, at 10:10 PM. I've moved into an assisted living facility. Every time I looked into his bedroom door after that night, I saw his body, the blood stained carpet, and holes and parts of Mike in the ceiling. I've lost parents, a girlfriend, 2 wives to cancer, and other loved ones, but this is something I can't get past. My faith in God, and good friends and family have helped. I see a counselor now, and my doctors have spoken with me. I'm going to start a journal, as well. “
-Tom, November 2018

“My 24 year old son TIMOTHY committed suicide August 14 2017 by hanging. TIMOTHY had graduate from College he had a 2nd Degree Black belt.. He was a outstanding Welder. I love him with my whole heart. His girlfriend had broke up with him. He found picture of her with other guys. Just heart broken.. Being a Military child moving alot he had no long term friends/girlfriends. Always losing his friends/girlfriends due to military moves. Played apart. Break up with his girlfriend was also. She found he hanging from the tree in my backyard. Everyday I find myself going to that tree.I hoping and wondering why.. . I am lost . My love for son will never die. My 23 year old son Joe committed suicide on August 25, 2018 by jumping from the New River Gorge Bridge in West Virginia.”
-Yolanda, October 2018

“Joe had just graduated from College & had moved to NC after receiving a wonderful job offer. His boss said he was such a joy & hard worker. Joe was suffering from depression that he kept hidden for quite sometime. His girlfriend of 5 years had broken up with him & all the changes must have been too much for him. He was on medicine since Nov 2017 after finally reaching out & allowing us to get him help. I feel as if its all a bad dream. He had so many friends-none of them knew he was depressed-even family was in shock when they learned of his depression. He made 2 phone calls to his girlfriend & both went to her voicemail-his truck was found 4 minutes after those calls. It haunts me-what if she had answered. “
-Jackie, October 2018

“My 23 year old son Josh, took his life 7-6-2018. He was living with us, due to alcohol addiction, and what is to believed to be schizophrenia, or some type of psychosis. I went up to find our dog, he was in josh's toom on his recliner, he looked over at my son laying on the floor, I thought he was passed out...but I knew something was wrong, his ATM had a bluish color to it. I ran and grabbed his arm, he was so cold...then I noticed the blood on his face, his safe open, and the gun laying on the floor. I went into hysterics, could not find my phone, tried his, had to run...crawl to my neighbors to get help...I can't believe he is gone, he was such a happy guy, until he turned 19...everything changed, and he would not get help ....just self medicated. I'm lost, my husband and older son are lost. Its like being in an earthquake, everything is wrong, different, scary. I love him so much , tried everything to get him help....he was so stubborn. I'm angry at him for that. Our lives will never be the same....we will always be missing one of our family....I'm just heartbroken.”
-Jodi, August 2018

 “I lost my son Chris on June 20, 2018. He was 33 and had suffered from bipolar disorder since he was 18. He decided not to fight any longer and saw no future for himself. He spent 15 years going through all the medications, sick as a dog, horrible side effects, to no avail. Nothing worked for him. The debilitating depressions and racing mind wore him out. 

Although we had feared this for years, we didn't see it coming on that day. He was a gentle, artistic soul. He went to work that morning and walked out at 10:30 am. We will never know why he chose that day. He did not seem to have planned it for that day. He had no record and was able to go into a sporting goods store and buy a gun in 10 minutes (no waiting period in our state.) He felt he was a drain on his father and me (never), and he had stolen our retirement due to the cost of his care all these years (We didn't care one bit about that.) He wrote us a long email letter from his phone explaining all this and that we had been amazing parents, how much he loved us, and how sorry he was. He said he was going to a spot in nature and said his car would be found and he would be nearby. Then he turned his phone off and threw it away so he wouldn't be located and stopped. It took 10 days before his car was found near a waterfall and another 6 before search and rescue found him. The wait was agony. Did he do it? Is he alive somewhere? We felt in our hearts he was gone but felt guilty not to have hope. His official death date is July 6 when they found him but we feel sure he shot himself in those woods that very night, June 20.

He did it as considerately as he could, I know. He didn't want us to find him-- or a family or hiker. He planned it so authorities would find him. So like him....

I'm lost. It is so comforting to read all the comments and know that I am not alone in all the crazy mixed up things I'm feeling--the grief attacks, counting days, not sleeping, etc. I tell myself I understand his decision. He suffered for so many years. He lived with us for most of his struggle and we saw it first hand. His father and I have suffered, too, watching our beloved child miserable and forcing him to keep trying--maybe this doctor? or this med could be the answer? We researched, became experts on bipolar, spent all our money on meds and doctors. Raging at the gods trying to figure out WHY he got this horrible disease. We cannot find a genetic link. Was it too many rounds of antibiotics from childhood ear infections? Environmental factors? Did I do something wrong during pregnancy? We really did do so much, but of course we feel guilty that we could have done MORE. Guilt is so much a part of this no matter the circumstances. Those of you who feel guilt because you DIDN'T know your child was suffering from depression, please know that I DID know and the guilt is there anyway.

Most of all I miss him. I will forever miss him.

-Caroline, August 2018

"I lost my 22 year old son almost a year ago in October he came home we had no clue and he went to the bathroom and we didn't even know until the cops showed up at our house this last year I feel like I have no purpose and I'm trying everything I can to stay around when all I want to do is just see my baby boy my family is crumbling before my eyes I see the video he left behind I see him in the bottom of our shower and I had no clue and I don't know how to start over or move on because everytime I close my eyes I see my baby boy lying broken."

-Jacqueline, August 2018

"Our son took his life 2 months ago... we have no idea how to deal with this loss and live on."
-Cindy, August 2018

"My son Jason took his life two weeks ago. July 6 2018. He went to the back of our property and hung himself. The next morning when he did not show up for work. My husband had a strange feeling something bad had happened to our son. He called ask my son in law to go check the We'll out back. My daughter went alone with him looking for her best friend her big Bubba. I woken from screams of horror. And still hearing those screams Everytime I close my eyes. I don't know how to be there for my family. I know their pain. He told my daughter and her two sons that he loved them. Then walk outside and took his own life. I wished I had some sense on how to handle this. I'm scared . I don't know how to get thru . Today I found your website. Thank you. Its giving me much much needed info. I love my Son Jason . You were my first born of four. You will always be love and Truly Missed."

-Kimberly, July 2018

"I too lost my son, Ben, one month after Wesly passed. Ben took his life on November 26, 2017. He died of a single gunshot to the head. Before Ben died he'd been struggling with attachment and betrayal issues of significant people

Ben suffered from many experiences of early childhood trauma. He was sensitive, highly intelligent and expressed himself well through art, writing. He loved music of all kinds. Ben always sought God in his life and by the time he graduated from Valley Forge Military Academy had a strong sense of duty. Ben was respected and loved by those he led and had a strong sense of integrity. More than anything he wanted to be remembered for the love and respect he also had for his VF brothers. Love is the only power there is, the only power there ever was and the only power there ever will be. 

He asked to be given full credit (he did not want anyone to blame anyone else) for his final decision."
-Sandy, July 2018

"My son was 27 years old. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend because she was cheating on him so he was staying with us (mom, dad and younger sister). On June 20, 2018 he woke up. Did a load of laundry. Gave his dad a new shirt. Hugged him and told him he was “going to work for a couple of hrs”. He Never came back. 

After hours of waiting for the police to help us find him they said he was already deceased when they got to the call about “a suspicious man with a gun” behind an abandoned building. He shot himself. Today, July 13, 2018 one day after my birthday we had his funeral service. I have not been able to sleep. Or work. Or function in any “normal “ capacity since that day. I cry all day. And I’m physically sick. I can’t get better because I can’t sleep so I am not getting the rest my body needs. No one understands the pain my husband and daughter and myself are going through. But they are supportive. And trying to love us through this. There are so many questions we will never have answers to."
-Jayne, July 2018

"For those of you going through the hard, hard early grief, I send you strength. It is 16 years since our daughter died by suicide. Our only child, our light. My husband and I recall how the first two years were devastating. Getting dressed and going to work were huge achievements. It is hard to imagine now but you will learn so much and grow on this journey. You will do more than survive the suicide of your child. You will learn to carry the loss with love and you will help others. Just believe for now that it will get better."
-Karin (July 2018) 

"I lost my 30-year-old son May 17th 2018. I love him and miss him terribly,every single day . He shot himself outside on the patio, at night, during a storm, It was only he and I in the house. When I heard the gunshot, my heart was already shattered, before I opened the door and found him. I felt like he may as well shot me too.

Two months later, doing slightly better. It is like carrying a heavy, wet blanket over your body, it is always there, but some days you manager to carry it better than others, only because you are learning to carry that extra weight.

He has come to me in my dreams. Always in a positive way. I know he loved me, and I also know that he knows how much I love him. That helps a bit, but honestly, I would give anything just to have him here with me for one more hug. I miss his face, voice and his company.

I feel for all the other parents going through this, it is a pain beyond words, that I wish no one would ever have to bear."
-Julia (July 2018)

"My son shot himself in my parents bedroom. I’m just lost. It was 3 months ago."

-Kim (July 2018)

"I lost my son to suicide in 2008. My life since has been separated into 'before Chuck died' and 'after Chuck died'. I'm better than I was but at times am catapulted into an emotional grief state which surprises me. Lately it's happened while seeing videos and hearing audios of the children and mothers separated due to their immigration status. I'm break down when I hear/see these emotional outbursts. My therapist says it's because I know what losing a child is like, not just imagining what it must be like.
Now, I don't listen/view these images anymore. Just cannot deal with the terrible sadness. I have to take care of myself."
--Susan (July 2018)

"It is 6 months since my daughter, Lilly passed away, I still in disbelief. The guilt overwhelmed me constantly for not being able to save her. My heart is shattered as I remember the time when I was hard on her. I wish I could have been better and more patient with her. I talk to her everyday, get fresh flowers for her every week. She is present around me all the time.

Being with my living son seems the only thing that keeps me going even though my heart is hurting when I realize Lilly is not with us. Summer is so hard because we have lots of travel plans and activities without her. We have a dog now and he is a great addition to the family. He gives me a reason to wake up each morning. He definitely brings joy to my son and all of us."

--Angie  (June 2018)

"My daughter hung herself on 10 6 2017 people compare my loss to their partners passing at the age of 75 & think i should be over it . Laura was 29."
--Leslie (June 2018)