Tips For Coping With The Loss of Your Child

These are my tips for learning to cope with the loss of a child.  Please know I'm not a writer, just a mom that has lost their child too and understands your pain. I'm just writing from my heart.

• Be Kind to yourself 
  Grieving is exhausting, especially a child.  So, rest when you can rest. If there ever is a reason to take up offers from others to help you, it is now.  Let people help you cook and clean or whatever you need done.  If you are one of those moms that helps with everything, step back and take on only what you can take on.  Please, don't feel guilty for this, your mind and body needs to heal and it takes time.  I've been told that the trauma of losing a child to suicide is one of the most painful experiences a person can endure and is on the same scale as surviving the Holocaust. Sleeping is usually difficult the first few months, if so, ask your doctor for some medicine to help with that.  You really need your rest right now.  Meditation helps with sleep too.  I usually will find some peaceful meditation stuff  for my cellphone on youtube, put my headphones on and it puts me right to sleep.  Remember to drink water and eat, healthy if possible but honestly, just remember to eat.  
  
  In the beginning when i was in such shock, I had to tell myself, "just be".  That helped me get to the next hour, and then the next day.  
   

• Guilt
  When you keep asking yourself, what if I had done this differently...  Because as mothers, we often blame ourselves.  I still blame myself, 6 months later, but I try and spend less than 10 minutes a day  questing the "what ifs".  I try to let the blame cross over me, like a cloud my therapist told me.  It doesn't always work, but quite often it does.  The bottom line is that it is important to reflect on what happened and how you might have been able to change it, but spending  considerable time on it isn't going to change the outcome just make us sink deeper into sadness.  Our children does not want us to feel guilty about this, it is not the reason they took their own life.  Wesly's decision to take his own life was clouded with depression and made him feel like he didn't have a choice.   I have to keep reminding myself, it was his decision, not mine. 
   

• Don't Try and Stop the Pain
  Let the pain come through and feel it, but let it also pass like a cloud overhead.  At first, it is debilitating.  It's like your heart is being stabbed over and over and takes your breath away.  There is no pain like it, period...  but over time, the pain will dull. Let the tears come, it is a sign of healing.  I still cry every day, some times several times a day.    Don't try and hold it all in or ignore it, that will just make the healing take longer.
   

• Forgetfulness, Concentration and Stress
  I still am struggling with forgetfulness, concentration, ability to focus, and it's been over 6 months.  To help me keep track of my schedule, I now use Google Keep.  I also bought a $29 Alexa and when I think of something I need at the store I just yell to Alexa from the kitchen and say "Alexa, add milk to my shopping list".  So when I get to the store, it will be on the list.  I get frustrated about it sometimes, but I try to remember this takes time and to be patient. 
  
  Handling stressful things is also so difficult.  I try not to put myself in stressful situation.  I just can't handle it like I used to.  I try and tell myself, just "do what you can do".
   

• Honor Your Child
  This may not be for everyone, but at night I light a candle, in honor of my son.  I say,

  "I light this candle
  For my precious son Wesly.
  Whom I love with all of my heart,
  Forever and unconditionally.
  
  I will do my best to honor your memory Wesly,
  By remembering the love and joy you gave us.
  
  For those who knew and love Wesly, please help us Lord,  cope with the pain of losing him and find peace within ourselves."
  
  I often add more to it, depending on what I'm feeling at the moment.  I somehow feel a sense of connection to him when I honor Wesly this way, and give me some peace. You are welcome to try and use it too if you wish.

• It's Okay to Get Professional Help
  Both my husband and I needed help coping with the loss of our son and are seeing therapists.  He found a wonderful person locally who is helping immensely with his PDST.  Because I work several jobs, it is hard for me to set aside time to see a therapist so I signed on to Talkspace.  I know it's not for everyone, but for me it was a perfect choice.  My therapist and I message back 3-4 times a week and she is so caring and understanding and helps me put my thoughts into perspective. 

• Don't Take What Other People Say Personally About Your Child' Death
  People often do not know what to say to you after your child dies.   Sometimes they will avoid you, in fear that if they bring it up it will upset you.  Sometimes they say thoughtless things like I know what it's like, I lost a child at childbirth or lost a mother or something like that.  No they don't know what it's like, it's not the same thing, but they  mean well so please keep that in mind.  Sometimes they will say things like, they are no longer in pain now or at least you still have another child at home.  Again, remember they mean well, they are not trying to hurt you.  They just want to acknowledge your child's death and let you know they care.  Don't take it personally, people just don't always know how to say it.  Many people don't understand suicide either, there is a stigma around suicide.  So please don't  hold this anger toward them, it only really hurts you  and you don't need that extra pain, especially now.  

• Think About How You Will Answer Questions About Your Child
  When you are caught off guard, it's really easy to break down in front of people, when you don't mean to.  In the beginning, there were some simple things that I really struggled with, such as saying my son's name in past tense.  When they are such a part of your life, and they aren't there I would just break down every time.  I still do sometimes, not as severe though. I try to only give information if asked, I don't  think everyone needs to know about the suicide.  It takes a lot out of me to explain it to people and still brings tears to my eyes.   I still struggle with the question do you have any children.  I had a man ask me in the grocery store if I was a mother and I just broke down.  I just looked at him with tears streaming down my check saying I just lost my son and made him feel bad, which I didn't mean to do.  I just wasn't expecting some one to ask me that.  I can now finally say stories about my son without breaking down, it has taken a while and if people ask me more details I still struggle with that.  Just be kind to yourself, this transition of past tense and present tense  and what to say, takes time.

• It's Okay to Feel Angry Too
  I didn't feel angry until about 6 months after Wesly died.  I spent the whole day being really angry with him, for playing too many video games and thus not appreciating the value of his own life.  No, it probably wasn't a rational anger, but I felt it.  At first I felt guilty for it, but I think it's  part of the healing process.  Later, the next day, I told Wesly in my prayers that I always love him unconditionally, but I didn't always love his actions.  

• Don't Make Any Life Changing Decisions The First Year
  IF possible, try not to make huge, rash decisions that first year.  There is so much healing to be done that first year and at times you won't be thinking straight.  Life is hard enough with your normal routines, this is not a time to change that.