5th Year Angelversary

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5 years… since I last saw my beautiful son Wesly…

Some days it feels like years, some days it feels like just yesterday. The crushing pain those first few months have faded. But memories of that day, the pain you felt that day, can come back at any time, with vengeance. It’s a memory that can bring me to my knees, just like that day. That feeling…when our world changed forever…

Most days, I can put those memories aside, though there, when they are aside I can continue… but when they do come forward, like today, it stops me again… just like it did that day, and the weeks that followed.

Some days, I think I’ve come so far, but some days, I’m brought down to my knees again…

To honor Wesly today, I put a sugar cookie with a pumpkin on his memorial garden. He loved sugar cookies and loved Halloween. I know he is smiling above at the cookie, with that beautiful smile he had.

Oh how I miss you Wesly… forever and always…

Being Shattered

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I had a friend ask me, what being shattered meant, after losing Wesly. For me, it’s a tough one to explain. In order to explain, I have to go back to that day….Every day I have this memory, but in order to survive, I have to try and “put it aside” because if I don’t, those dark thoughts consume me.

The person at the desk where I worked, said my husband was on the phone. I felt immediately something was wrong, he doesn’t usually call. I remember just bits and pieces of what my husband said, that he tried to run after Wesly and stop him but couldn’t stop Wesly from shooting himself. He said the ambulance was on the way, he didn’t think he was alive. I remember dropping the plate, dropped the phone, fell to the floor and screamed… it was like in slow motion… I somehow got in my car and drove home.. I prayed I would see an ambulance on the way home, but never did… I remember screaming, a blood-curdling scream from deep within…Noooooooo….

I remember praying to God, he can’t let this happen. After struggling to use my phone because I was in shock, I finally was able to reach my sister. I then called the only number I remember from the church, Joan to let her know to call Pastor Kim. To this day, I can’t dial Joan without thinking of that day.

I made it home somehow and I saw a body covered, at the edge of our property. I asked the ambulance person if he was still alive… He said no, and I laid on my driveway, face down sobbing for I don’t know how long… with my car still running, car door wide open… People came and went, it was all a blur… I couldn’t eat, could only sleep with pills for weeks… the pain was so intense, gut-wrenching, like nothing I have ever experienced. That was the day my life shattered, October 20, 2017. The person I was, the life I had, was broken, shattered like the glass in the mirror. What was left, were just the broken pieces of my soul. I have learned, over time, just to survive, to piece together what I can, but they will forever be broken.

The mirror can be deceiving… others looking on, think everything it put back together… but the truth is, it isn’t me anymore… it’s only the broken remains, a shadow of the person I once was….

A Special Gift for Wesly's Memorial Garden

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A few months after Wesly died we visited one of our friends, who is a tattoo artist and asked her to make a memorial for Wesly for us. Then, life got busy for both of us. She is now a mom and then of course COVID-19 hit even little Vermont. Now, I am thankful for that extra time, because I can now look at this wonderous gift with joy because over time, the grief has taken a second place to the joy of Wesly’s memories.

Yesterday she dropped off this beautiful memorial to place in his garden. The painting of him was such a striking resemblance to him I was taken back, I am just in awe of her talents. The guitar was real size, as she had traced a guitar that they had at home. It had real guitar tuning at the top, not just a painting. The wording and font was so beautiful too. The angel wings were hugging the right side,. The heart in the middle shining through was perfect.

And yes, I did have tears, but tears of joy. What a wonderful tribute to Wesly’s life. When I offered to pay, she said it was taken care of, by some young adults that knew Wesly in school. I know she had volunteered much of her time as well. Such a beautiful gift, for us to enjoy for many years to come.

Freeing Ashes

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I’ve been wanting to put some of Wesly’s ashes on his memorial rock garden since last year. When I finally decided to in the fall, I realized the urn had to have a special tool to open up… then winter came.. then covid-19…I did contact the company and they sent me the special “tool”.

It’s easy for me to put things off… but Friday I realized it is time… so, I opened the urn, took a deep breath.. these pieces of gravel (that’s what it looked like to me anyways), were the remains of my precious son…

Those first few years after he died, I couldn’t let even a pince be taken…I just couldn’t, it’s all I have left of him. Now, I felt part of him wanted to be free… I I gathered the container I had bought to release the ashes last year… opened up the necklace I bought last year to put ashes in… and also the keychain. I put a few pinches of the ashes in each and closed them up.

I then took one of the wish papers I had saved from last year… grabbed a magjc marker and just wrote, “Wesly you are free... free to be with the birds and butterflies. We will always love you and be with you."

I then brought the ash container, wish paper and lighter out to his rock garden and lit the wish paper. If flew up, swirling around our trees, it was beautiful... I took the ash container and sprinkled it over the ash garden.

I then just sat on the bench and just talked to Wesly, letting him know how much I loved and also missed him still. The ashes sparkled as I admired the rock garden. At first I saw a few butterflies flying around. Then, a beautiful blue dragonfly just hovered around the bench I was sitting at. It was so pretty. I smiled, feeling Wesly’s presence with the dragonfly and butterflies. Thank you Wesly for your signs today.

I now wear the necklace engraved with his name and “always in my heart”.

Yes, it could have been much more formal, but I wanted it to be about just Wesly and me that day. it was simple, yet so powerful to me. Something I will always treasure. Yes Wesly, you will always be in my heart and I will always love you hun.

Time

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Out of all the things that has helped on this journey, it has been time, time to heal. It can’t be rushed and it is so different for each of us. Healing doesn’t mean I am “over it” or am cured, it just means that I am learning to cope and trying to move forward in this journey, keeping Wesly’s memories by my side.

Time as we know it, seems to fluctuate in speed during this journey as well. In the beginning, it is like we are paralyzed in it, while the world is rushing around us. It feels so slow, like we can never get through the day or even the hour it seems.

Memory for me was affected as well, I lost my ability to recall when I did something. Was it last week or yesterday? My sense of time was distorted, especially the first year. Maybe it was the shock, the trauma, I’m not sure.


Painting Stones

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I've started in July making painted rocks in Wesly's rock garden, just from me... I started by thinking of special memories of Wesly, things that he used to like... then I got some rocks (Amazon), some paint and brushes, paint pens and markers... I first painted them all white, twice... found images online and used carbon paper to trace on the rock. then outlined with a marker and used paint pens inside the image. Outside, I used a brush and paint...

Then I am using 2-3 coats of clear spray to protect it...

They are not perfect, but I find it healing to do. I am learning more with each rock I do. Here are some samples of what I have done so far: Elmo, Les Paul (guitar Wes loved), Komodo dragon (he donated to it one year), soccer (loved playing soccer and watching the world cup), Sponge Bob (he always joked about Patrick, because it is also my husband’s name), and the Grinch (loved watching it at Christmas). I still want to do Bernie (feel the Bern) and Ursala (he loved her in the Little Mermaid as a little boy).

Triggers

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I was at the grocery store last week and I saw Wesly’s pediatrician, who had taken such good care of him growing up. She was laughing with another one of her patients, in the dairy isle. I made eye contact with her and my eyes started to tear up. Realizing I didn’t want to answer her if she asked how Wesly was, it was too much. I turned around, wiped away my tears and quickly went through the self serve check out line. As I’m putting things away in my car, and I’m all alone (I think) I just break down and cry. This man drives by and sees me, gets out of the car and asks if I’m okay. I say I am, embarrassed that he saw me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him, no, it won’t ever be okay. It’s been over a year and a half, and my life is still a shell of what it once was. Some days, I think I’m doing better and then other days, I’m sobbing in the parking lot of the grocery store.

We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it.

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I watched this powerful video a friend shared with me, and I wanted to share with you too.

Although the situation is different, because the speaker Nora McInerny lost her husband, not her child, grief is grief.

She explained that although our friends and family and other people that we care about want us to be “fixed” and move on from our grief, we really can’t do that. We move forward with the grief, and carry the memories, good and bad not because we have to, but because we want to. The child we lost are part of us, will always be a part of us and that is why we our aim should be moving forward with the grief, and not moving on from grief. Our child, lives on, within us. Our child would want us to move forward, yet keep them close in our hearts.

Let me know what you think about the video too.

A Star Named After Wesly

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Heather, a dear friend, gave me a special gift in honor of Wesly and I wanted to share it with you.

She had a star named after Wesly. It is a precious gift. I saved the link on my browser’s bookmark bar so I can look at it, smile and think of Wesly.

Here is the link to Wesly’s star. Wesly’s star is in the exact middle, the bright one :)

Here is the certificate too.

Thank you Heather, from the bottom of my heart.

The 2nd Thanksgiving

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I wish I could just close my eyes… and Thanksgiving and Christmas would be over…It’s been 13 months today…

The wonderful memories of Wesly and the Thanksgiving Holiday flood my thoughts, many times down at my moms and a few at our home too. My sister and mom would make his favorite macaroni salad, even though it wasn’t a Thanksgiving dish, he always would ask for it. They would joke and say no, that is a summer dish, but then, they would surprise him with it. And boy, did he love stuffing :) Before eating, we would always say a prayer for what we were thankful for… when he was little, he would want to eat so badly, he would drag out his own high chair, before it was even ready.

The memories are good, but they hurt.. the pain takes my breath away… .. and I just don’t feel very thankful this year… I’m working this year for the holiday… which will keep my mind busy, I hope..

My mind is too scattered to figure out what to even do… wish there was a magical set of instructions I could find that tells me step by step where I should go, what I should make, etc. I just can’t concentrate.

I know, they are just days, just like all the other days I miss Wesly. But they are unique, because of all of the special memories.

I know.. this isn’t very helpful… if anyone has any suggestions for this holiday season, I would love to hear from you. I’m just out of ideas tonight… lost…

Wesly's First Angelversary

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October 20… the day my world changed…forever… the day my precious, beloved only child took his own life, at the age of just 25…

A year later, October 20, 2018, the memories of that day and that excruciating pain flood my thoughts…

To honor Wesly, I lit a candle and said a simple prayer in between my tears, at the edge of our property on the road, where he died.

I also spent time writing memories of Wesly in my journal Oct. 20th and more tears flowed. I continued to pray out loud and let him know I love him always and thinking of him.

A friend also came over and I showed her the lovely rock garden we made in honor of Wesly. and hugged.

It was a day of remembrance, but the day of his death also brought flashbacks of that day and that sickening pit in my stomach returned.

Finally October 20, the day I dreaded, was over..

Every morning though I wake up, for a second I am normal, then I remember all that I have lost. In the beginning that pain was physically gut wrenching to wake up to. Over time, your mind and body learn to cope and gets a little easier. But no, it doesn’t go away.

I have made huge progress of where I was from the week of his death a year ago. Those ebbs and flows of grief that used to literary make me so faint I thought I was going to pass out, still come but not as often or as long or as intense. The grief still takes my breath away at times, but again, not as long. This new normal, my mind and body have gotten used to the pain, has started to figure out coping skills so I can survive. In the beginning, I remember hoping in a year I would be normal again, but I’m not. But, I am adjusting to what my new normal is. I realize now, the normal I once had, is forever gone, with my precious son.

Honoring Wesly's Birthday

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October 9 would have been Wesly's 26th birthday. I ponder, can I call it his birthday any more, or call it his date of birth? Anyways, I still call it birthday, not sure I’m supposed to… I just wanted to do something to honor him..and to let others participate .

At first I was going to do balloons, but not environmentally friendly, which was important to Wes. I also thought about Chinese lanterns, but could be fire hazard, with drought... so I came up with the idea of a painted rock garden. At first, the idea was daunting.. because, I have never done this... painting skills, not very good.. I wondered, who would show up…

but some wonderful friends helped me with this rock garden journey. Elaine painted about 20 amazing images on the stones for me, things that was connected to like a guitar, headphones, animals and even mac and cheese. Then I found a reasonable place on etsy to make a simple etched stone with his image and name. I bought a book on rock painting, some paint supplies and candles. Some of my friends went searching for rocks with me and others let me go on their property and look for rocks in their water area. Then I just made some chili and also some chop suey (one of Wesly’s favorites) and made an event on facebook. Some of our friends, and Wesly’s friends showed up, others are dropping off/mailing later., there isn’t a time limit, but an ongoing memorial for Wes. We painted rocks, visited, reminisced about Wes and I feel in my heart, honored him, on his special day.

Out of the Darkness Walk

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I did my first Out of the Darkness Walk last Saturday. Five other members of our small Craftsbury Mental Health Group that was created after Wesly Death went to the Walk with me, their support was invaluable. I couldn’t have done it alone and Monique was nice to let us carpool with her. There were beads on the gazebo to grab yourself, each one has a different color. I chose the white, which was losing a child to suicide. Here is a list of the color meaning of the beads. The bead area and sign in area was a little hidden, but was able to locate it. I also got a t-shirt because I go donations over $150 (I actually got over $500 in donations plus another $300 from facebook). Their programs can’t combine the 2 accounts though.

We got there a little early, not knowing what to expect, not knowing where to park. It is a small community in Vermont so we just kind of hung out for a while. We wore our new Craftsbury Mental Health T-shirts and I bought some pins, and made a few of them with Wesly picture inside.

They spoke for about 1/2 hour, read a poem from a mom who lost their 15 year old daughter, I had trouble focusing on everything. Then we just walked all together for about 3 miles. There was a power to the presence of people that were there walking, affected by suicide. At the end of the walk, I was just thankful I made it (sorry, I don’t exercise much, I’m the short chubby one in the photo).

I did feel a little let down afterwards, maybe because I didn’t know many of the people there. There was food and people around, and it was a wonderful cause to donate to, it would have been nice to have a tree or board that we acknowledge after the walk that we walked for this person… Our group was able to give over $1100 toward the cause, which I am very proud of. Honestly, just making it through the day, was all I was looking to accomplish.. Wesly hasn’t been gone even a year yet, it still is raw, still painful, I still cry daily so just making it through, was all I was trying to do…

Has any one else gone on the Walk? What was your experience?

How Can There Possibly Be A Purpose In Our Child's Death?

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I remember reading something in the first few months of Wesly's death, asking us grieving parents to search for the purpose of our child's death.  At first I was offended, how could there be any purpose, any good from the loss of my beloved only child?  How dare you ask me that, when I had just lost my son a few months ago, when I was in such shock and deep despair.

Before Wesly had a breakdown, we were just living our lives, working, just doing normal day to day things; we had a good life-food was on our table, roof over our head; we had friends, family and we loved one another.  But the day Wesly died, that ended, I no longer felt blessed, I was cursed.  Life handed us something so painful, so devastating, that our life ended as I knew it that dreadful day; part of us died along with our son and that hole remains in my heart even today..  

Then I had a medium reading with Wesly and realized he was at peace and no longer in the deep depression and mental anguish anymore. In the reading, he showed me his hand and said, "remember mom, I wasn't supposed to have a long life. I had the heartache I was meant to have." I then remembered a conversation we had after school one day in which he came home very upset because they were looking into psalm readings at school (don't ask me why???) and it showed a short life for him on his hand.  I discounted it, saying it was just  an old superstitious and not to worry.   The medium explained it was a soul agreement we had.  then a part of me felt that I was only meant to be with Wesly a short time.  At first, I refused to believe I would ever agree to this, this unbelievable pain. 

But, over time, and after much reflection, I have begun to understand that we all have a soul and ultimately, we are put here on earth for growth and learning.  We need to learn to be compassionate, loving and help one another.  No, it isn't always easy.  Wesly's death had my life stop as I knew it.. I have to rebuild it.. really look at myself..deep inside myself... what is my purpose...I felt I had to help others with suicidal thoughts, so made www.nevtsuicide.com (a work in progress).  I also felt in my heart I had to help others grieving suicide, so I made this website.  What else am I learning? To be more compassionate.  I used to think we could always trudge on, I would go to work having the flu, etc. and pride myself on always being strong enough to weather anything, never miss a day of work.  I was wrong. I look at the world differently now.  If I can help some one, I try to.  If some one needs a hug, I try to.  If some one just needed a friend to talk to, I try to.  Not because I expect something back, but just because it's the right thing to do. I often didn't take the time in in my busy schedule before Wesly died to do that.    If I see a beautiful flower or a butterfly or anything special, I try to take the time now to savor the moment. Right now, I think my purpose is to help others considering suicide and those grieving suicide.  Maybe over time,  my purpose will grow or change course, and that is okay with me.  Ask yourself, what is your purpose?  Why?  Because we all need our spirit to grow and learn, our child wants that for us.

I know the photo above says God  has a purpose for our pain, but I recognize we  all have different religious beliefs.  Please be open that God has different names in different religions.  

It's easy to get caught up in daily life, worrying about  how much money we earn, how many sales we made, how many tasks  we've  done, etc;  We need to remember that's not what life is really about.  it's really just about love.. 

Soul Family

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soul family

Have you ever thought of your soul family?  I had a wonderful class I took with Christine Salter and the topic of soul family came up.  It was something I never really thought of much before... so, I asked my son, if he was part of my soul family, the pendulum answered yes.  I realized through questions I asked the pendulum, that Wesly and I have incarnated together before over 15 times, wow.  I was his daughter before and died young in an accident.  My sister and I were incarnated also more than 15 times.  My mother, my sister, my husband my best friend Sheila, all part of my soul family.

My head is spinning with this new revelation.  Would I even have thought about this before Wesly, died, no.  But something spiritually has awakened inside of me after my son's death.   I know, my common sense is saying this belief isn't accepted in today's world, in today's religion.  But, I have to follow my heart and soul, and let you know.

Wesly's Death has Changed Me

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Looking back, I'm not the same person I was before Wesly died last year.  I used to think really bad things wouldn't happen to me because I'm a good person.  I used to think I could handle anything and  I was strong.  I used to think my job was a big part of who I am. By working really hard, it made me a good person.  That the pure love of our small family would be stronger than anything.  I was wrong... 

After Wesly died, the world went on around me.  I felt myself in it, but in slow motion.  I still often feel that way.  I realize I cannot handle stressful situations at work anymore.  I was never good at it but now I am even worse.   

This past week at church was about joy and happiness and I am sad, realizing  that is no longer part of me.  The pain of Wesly's death,  shattered my life.  I honestly don't know if I will have true joy and happiness again.  9 months later, I still cry, mostly in private.  The rest of the world sees me stronger, as I wear my mask, to cover my grief.

I look at things differently now.  Work, keeps me busy and helps pay the bills, but it isn't as important as it once was.  If I can help some one I do.  If some one needs a hug, a kind word, I try... the world isn't about our careers, how much money we have, how much power we have.  It's about loving and helping one another as neighbors, as friends. 

I do feel myself more compassionate now.  I used to think that I was strong and could handle anything, but this experience has been humbling for me.  It is one of the first times in my life I couldn't handle it myself.  I am grateful for family, friends and the beautiful community we live in, for their support this past year  I realize, we all have our unique limits of what we can handle. Don't look at it as a sign of weakness.  We all need support sometimes, it's okay to let people in.  

I ask myself now, what is it I want to learn and do before I  die?   We have an opportunity... to honor our child, make the most of the time we have here on earth.  What goodness can we spread, in the time we have left?  

Shopping & Meals, So Difficult

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One of the things I REALLY struggle with is shopping and cooking certain meals.  There were meals that Wesly loved  that I cooked for him - lasagna, goulash, spaghetti and garlic bread, shepherd's pie, meatloaf.  There was a  special dish that he and I both liked, we called "mushroom noodley stuff",  which was really just beef stroganoff but it was a name we both always used, jokingly.  I still can't cook any of those dishes Wesly loved, and there is a huge void in what I cook now. A lot of take out, from things we didn't order before...

Wesly loved mac and cheese, it's hard just to go by that isle in the grocery store.  The first time I went back shopping after he died, I just broke down in front of the mac and cheese section.   As a boy, he also loved food like goldfish, animal crackers, and slices of cheese.  All of these food items just pop out at me shopping, with all the memories and yes, the tears come as I try to hide them.  It gets a little easier each time I shop, but it's still there, in the background.. I love these memories of Wesly, but there always  is a sharp stab of grief that accompanies it.  

Butterflies, Butterflies, Butterflies, Oh My

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This summer, the first summer of Wesly's death, I see butterflies everywhere.  When I drive home from work, I see 5-10 butterflies in front of my car.  Usually it's more often when I am talking to him.  I believe spirits ask permission to temporarily take over butterflies for a few moments, because they are so pure, it must be easier than other creatures.  How amazing it must be as a spirit to be able to do that. 

The abnormally high number of butterflies I see every day is  a definate sign that he is with us and always will be.  Wesly is part of us and wants us to know how much he loves us.  Butterflies are our special sign, what is yours?  

Holidays

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People are always asking me how are we handling the holidays.  So far, we have made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter.. the big ones.. we haven't handled it well, because we just aren't celebrating it at all.  Just too many memories right now, so raw and painful.  He was our world, the only grandchild on both sides so without him,  our future, is no longer.. 

For Christmas, I gave special gifts to our family, a framed picture of Wes and also a pillow made from his shirts (a dear friend helped me with that). 

Maybe next year.. we can do something to honor Wesly.. maybe with some candles.. some stories.. 

The holidays, I imaged being much worse than they were.  Every day I think about Wes anyways, so the holidays was no different in that respect.  Just that the special holiday memories  hurt  deeper than usual.  I honestly don't know how families with other children are even able to do it.