Being Shattered

I had a friend ask me, what being shattered meant, after losing Wesly. For me, it’s a tough one to explain. In order to explain, I have to go back to that day….Every day I have this memory, but in order to survive, I have to try and “put it aside” because if I don’t, those dark thoughts consume me.

The person at the desk where I worked, said my husband was on the phone. I felt immediately something was wrong, he doesn’t usually call. I remember just bits and pieces of what my husband said, that he tried to run after Wesly and stop him but couldn’t stop Wesly from shooting himself. He said the ambulance was on the way, he didn’t think he was alive. I remember dropping the plate, dropped the phone, fell to the floor and screamed… it was like in slow motion… I somehow got in my car and drove home.. I prayed I would see an ambulance on the way home, but never did… I remember screaming, a blood-curdling scream from deep within…Noooooooo….

I remember praying to God, he can’t let this happen. After struggling to use my phone because I was in shock, I finally was able to reach my sister. I then called the only number I remember from the church, Joan to let her know to call Pastor Kim. To this day, I can’t dial Joan without thinking of that day.

I made it home somehow and I saw a body covered, at the edge of our property. I asked the ambulance person if he was still alive… He said no, and I laid on my driveway, face down sobbing for I don’t know how long… with my car still running, car door wide open… People came and went, it was all a blur… I couldn’t eat, could only sleep with pills for weeks… the pain was so intense, gut-wrenching, like nothing I have ever experienced. That was the day my life shattered, October 20, 2017. The person I was, the life I had, was broken, shattered like the glass in the mirror. What was left, were just the broken pieces of my soul. I have learned, over time, just to survive, to piece together what I can, but they will forever be broken.

The mirror can be deceiving… others looking on, think everything it put back together… but the truth is, it isn’t me anymore… it’s only the broken remains, a shadow of the person I once was….