Remembering the Second Week - Just Be

I found this email I had sent to another mom that had lost her daughter to suicide a few years earlier and  was kind enough to connect with me.. I still remember that horrific pain... how truly raw it was. 

"The past 2 weeks feel like an eternity, yet just yesterday... I can't explain... going to work yesterday was so hard, every hour I looked up at the time... it was 2 weeks yesterday, and I sat outside the office for a minute at 9:20, when he died 2 weeks ago... and prayed... and cried again..  he was our only child.. the love of our lives... he was our world... he just couldn't stand the pain from his breakups and it caused a breakdown.. we had started seeing a doctor, and counselor... and was trying to watch and be with him 24/7... but he found a way.. I don't blame him, I know he was in such pain... our love just wasn't enough to save him.. I replay in my mind, if I could have done things different, could I have saved him. 

The first week, I was just in shock, going thru the motions to plan our son's funeral.. so many people cared, I was just numb.. this week, I'm off the Larazapan  they gave me... and the pain this week  at times cut thru my body, gut wrenching, like nothing I've ever experienced... at times, I prayed God would just let me go in my sleep, so I didn't have to feel anymore.. my mind isn't thinking clearly, can't remember things... feeling bitter...why... my husband tried to stop him, Wesly shot himself in front of him... his trauma is even worse than mine, I can't even imagine...

I am a front desk manager, and had to get back... no I'm not ready, but I have responsibilities... I have  to wear a mask, to show others I'm fine.. a desk clerk can't be sad...it's exhausting to wear a mask...every time I thought about him on the first day, that he is no longer here, this pit in my stomach appeared and I was so nauseous I thought I would pass out.. but I made it thru... today, it was a little easier, watched the clock, not as much, but made it thru... my goal the 2nd day was just to be... I know that sounds odd, but that is what I told myself..

Tonight, for the first time, when I came home, my husband I talked about Wesly, and I felt some peace and joy in remembering him.  It didn't last long, but gave some relief from the pain for a short time.  Maybe there is hope...  that the pain can turn to remembrance, to the beautiful young man we love so..."