Wesly's Death has Changed Me

Looking back, I'm not the same person I was before Wesly died last year.  I used to think really bad things wouldn't happen to me because I'm a good person.  I used to think I could handle anything and  I was strong.  I used to think my job was a big part of who I am. By working really hard, it made me a good person.  That the pure love of our small family would be stronger than anything.  I was wrong... 

After Wesly died, the world went on around me.  I felt myself in it, but in slow motion.  I still often feel that way.  I realize I cannot handle stressful situations at work anymore.  I was never good at it but now I am even worse.   

This past week at church was about joy and happiness and I am sad, realizing  that is no longer part of me.  The pain of Wesly's death,  shattered my life.  I honestly don't know if I will have true joy and happiness again.  9 months later, I still cry, mostly in private.  The rest of the world sees me stronger, as I wear my mask, to cover my grief.

I look at things differently now.  Work, keeps me busy and helps pay the bills, but it isn't as important as it once was.  If I can help some one I do.  If some one needs a hug, a kind word, I try... the world isn't about our careers, how much money we have, how much power we have.  It's about loving and helping one another as neighbors, as friends. 

I do feel myself more compassionate now.  I used to think that I was strong and could handle anything, but this experience has been humbling for me.  It is one of the first times in my life I couldn't handle it myself.  I am grateful for family, friends and the beautiful community we live in, for their support this past year  I realize, we all have our unique limits of what we can handle. Don't look at it as a sign of weakness.  We all need support sometimes, it's okay to let people in.  

I ask myself now, what is it I want to learn and do before I  die?   We have an opportunity... to honor our child, make the most of the time we have here on earth.  What goodness can we spread, in the time we have left?